75 sweet and silly Valentine's Day jokes, pickup lines and card ideas

Got a sweetheart this Valentine’s Day? Want to send a witty card or ask out your crush with a clever quip? Maybe you’re looking for the perfect pun to caption your Galentine’s Day photo of friends.

Whether you’re smitten or single this Feb. 14, we’ve got you covered with jokes, hilariously terrible pickup lines and card ideas to celebrate the day of love.

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Valentine’s Day jokes

Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day? Because they’re scent-imental animals!
Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? They’ll dessert you.
What did one snake say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Give me a hug and a hiss, honey.
Why is getting your partner a kitten for Valentine’s Day a good idea? It’s the purr-fect gift.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet? I find you very attractive.
Who always has a date on Valentine’s Day?
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? He gave her a ring.
What did one piece of toast say to the other on Valentine’s Day? You’re my butter half.
What kind of flower should you never give on Valentine’s Day? A cauliflower!
Why didn’t the skeleton want to celebrate Valentine’s Day? His heart wasn’t in it.
What happened to the two angels who got married? They lived harpily ever after.
What’s Cupid’s favorite band? Kiss!
Who always has a date on Valentine’s Day? A calendar.
Why couldn’t the mineral water ever score a date? All his friendships were completely pla-tonic.
What’s the best part about Valentine’s Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What did one prune say to the other after agreeing to grab dinner? It’s a date!
Why did all the fruit ask the banana to be their Valentine? It was very a-peel-ing.
What did one Bloody Mary say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Olive you.
What does a chef give their spouse for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.
What did one flame say to the other on Valentine’s Day? We’re a perfect match!
What did the baker say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? Give me some sugar.
What’s a paper cut’s favorite song on Valentine’s Day? Bleeding Love.
What did the cashew say to the almond to ask it out? I’m nuts about you!
Why did the police officer lock up her Valentine? For stealing her heart.
Which flowers do squirrels give each other on Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.
What should you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day? Happy independence day!
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? Feb. 14.
What do you call a blossoming romance in a fish tank? Guppy love.
What does a vampire call his Valentine? His ghoul-friend.
What did one molecule say to the other? We’ve got great chemistry!
What did the flower say to his unrequited love? I love you once and flor-al.

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Valentine’s Day pickup lines

If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Roses are red, violets are blue; I sure am glad I swiped right on you.
Are you a loan? Because you definitely have my interest.
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?
Do you know what you’d look really beautiful in this Valentine’s Day? My arms.
Are you my appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me think I should take you out.
You look like you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.
Are you copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu Te!
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Are you a desert plant? Because I’m trying to go from cacti to cactus.
Are you a 90-degree angle? Because this feels just right.
If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
There’s something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.
Hi, my name’s Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

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Valentine’s Day card ideas

Looking for a craft to send to your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day? Skip the store-bought greeting and show your Valentine they’re worth a little extra effort by making your own card this year. Simply fold a piece of paper in half, grab some pens, markers or crayons and draw one of the following images (or print and glue, if drawing is not your forte) with a punny message:

Draw a bat: You’re fun to hang around with
Draw a piece of toast: You’re my butter half
Draw a bear: I love you beary much
Draw a rabbit: Somebunny loves you!
Draw a cannoli: I cannoli be happy when I’m with you
Draw a whale: Whale you be mine?
Draw an octopus: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
Draw an elephant: I love you a ton!
Draw a pizza: Every pizza me loves every pizza you
Draw a mushroom: There’s so mushroom in my heart for you
Draw two peas in a pod: Will you peas be my Valentine?
Draw a loaf of bread: You’re the loaf of my life
Draw eggs and bacon: Don’t go bacon my heart. I wouldn’t if I fried!
Draw a cup of coffee: Words can’t espresso how much I love you.
Draw some herbs: I want to spend all my thyme with you.
Draw a stamp: I’m stuck on you!
Draw a calculator: You can count on me
Draw a watermelon: You’re one in a melon!
Draw a volcano: I lava you
Draw a pickle: You’re a big dill to me
Draw a whale: Whale you be mine?
Draw a sheep: I love ewe
Draw some fruit: I love you berry much
Draw a frog: I’m hoppy you’re mine
Draw an otter: I’m glad you’re my significant otter
Draw an owl: I’ll owl-ways love you.
Draw a pair of shoes: You are my sole-mate.